I’ll be honest, sophomore year has been crazier than freshman year. I didn’t expect this year to be one hell of a roller coaster that keeps going up and down with no sign of stopping. My first semester started with four academic classes, that were almost bearable but soon ended with me crashing second semester. Yet, I learned so much about myself and people around me.
School started out okay. I had hard classes, but trusted myself in getting good grades. I worked hard. I joined the clubs that I did last year. Speech, mock trial, model un. Everything was going great. I had everything planned, I loved my AP World class. My friends were in all my classes and I was as excited as anyone was.
I think it was about second quarter (or the second part of the first semester) when I began to change. I was so, so tired and cried almost every night. I couldn’t focus, barely got any sleep, and had large amounts of stress piling on top of me. School was something I was holding onto barely, for my life.
Winter break rolls around and I was in Sedona, typing furiously into my computer. I had summer program applications to write and to finish. Words swirled around my head and my eyes, but it work I need to do and I accept it willingly.
Enter Part 2 of sophomore year: it was worse than the beginning. Classes were obnoxiously hard, and AP chemistry and AP Calc BC were at my throat, with equations and numbers that I couldn’t understand. I was slipping. I began missing assignments, I got my first B’s in my life. Each time I had a test, I had a massive panic attack and had to miss school more than I wanted to. So many sick days. I couldn’t focus and things that once took me minutes took me hours. I wanted to disappear so bad.
My constant drowsiness and symptoms brought me to the doctor’s office. For my recovery, I began trying new pills: for anxiety and for depression. Some made me so sleepy I slept nine hours a night (on a school day). I had always thought that people who ate these kinds of medicine were people in stories or online, but I never expected to become one of them.
But the only things that seemed to get me through were the amazing people around me. I moved to a new friend group, made amazing friends who were so easy and up-lifting to talk to. My family also were so helpful to talk to and always accepted my tears. I started going to church more and praying, hoping that getting closer to God would make me a better person and more emotionally healed in the worst moments of my life. And the community around me helped make things so much better.
And although I was struggling a lot, outside things seemed to unravel well. I visited Oxford for a conference and visited Europe for the first time. The Mock Trial team placed 7th, and I was elected VP of the club. I ran for my school election for junior president, and even though I didn’t expect anything, I got it! I joined a new club called Flowers for the Future where we help educate girls in Afghanistan, making it such fulfilling work. And as for summer programs, I got into the Kenyon Young Writers Workshop and UCSB RMP, and will be attending the latter. I didn’t expect to get into any, but I am genuinely so glad I can go and meet people that are brilliant and so smart. These small joys were highlights in the darkness that I was experiencing and gave me small amounts of hope.
I don’t really know how junior year will play out. All I can hope is that it is better, emotionally and physically, for me. Yet, I hope that I will be smiling more by the end of next year.
Comments